


Never Enough

by electricdino



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-25
Updated: 2012-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-16 00:17:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2248854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricdino/pseuds/electricdino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Throughout it all, he was never enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> Another piece of word vomit to help vent some emotions.

> (cross-posted to [aff](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/299423/never-enough-exo-sehun) and [livejournal](http://electricdino.livejournal.com/10623.html))

You could say he was a chameleon, constantly changing to fit the ideals of the environment around him. He was always forcing himself to fit the image that everyone around him had of him. Not that it really did Sehun much good. He still wasn't enough.  
  
He was never enough.  
  
When he was at school, the friends he had had... they had all told him that he was good looking enough to be an Ulzzang. They all but forced him into accepting that way of life.  
  
Sehun took on all the characteristics that an ulzzang had. He became conscious of his looks. Taking many, many selcas to upload for critique. He spent the small amount of money his parents gave him on make up and beauty products just to help maintain the image. He couldn't have a hair out of place...  
  
But within a short space of time, all of those friends left him. They said that he had changed too much. That he was no longer the Sehun that they had originally became friends with. That they couldn't cope with this new Oh Sehun. They didn't like him.  
  
When all along he had changed because of them. Because they wanted him to change.  
  
Even going to all that trouble to do as his friends had wished...  
  
He still wasn't enough.  
  
Luckily he had gained some other friends by that time. Fellow ulzzangs, who he had met through various forums and amateur photo-shoots, a small handful even being at the same school as him. They soon became his close circle of friends. Or as close as they could be considering the main thing they had in common was the ulzzang lifestyle.  
  
Sehun wasn't happy though. The life of an ulzzang... it had something missing. He didn't feel complete. And he was worried that if he didn't add something in to his personality, his persona, that he would lose the few friends he currently had.  
  
So he decided to follow one of his childhood dreams of music. On his own, without telling anyone, he began to audition for various entertainment companies. Most of the time he was turned down.  
  
He wasn't good enough.  
  
But then something amazing happened. He was contacted by SM Entertainment. They wanted him to audition for them. True, he knew it was probably to do with his looks. He was an ulzzang after all. He had the exact look that SM was known for. The pretty flower boy image. But that didn't really matter to him. An entertainment company wanted him.  
  
And so he auditioned. He auditioned and he passed. He became a trainee under SM Entertainment. Maybe now he wouldn't feel as empty, as worried that he wasn't good enough for his friends. With this added extra to 'Oh Sehun', he was sure that he finally reached their standards.  
  
But it wasn't enough.  
  
He still wasn't enough.  
  
When it came out that he was a trainee under SM Entertainment, those other ulzzangs who he called friends all turned their backs on him. They did not like to associate with wannabe idols, they told him. He hoped that it was just because they were jealous of him but he didn't really believe that.  
  
He just wasn't good enough for them.  
  
And so he was alone again. With only a few friends he had had from his childhood left... he could count them all on one hand.  
  
One good thing came out of this though... between his life as an ulzzang and the sudden notice from being a trainee, he suddenly found himself surrounded by girls a lot more frequently than he ever had been before. It was a new experience for Sehun, that's for sure.  
  
It even got to the point where he started dating one of them. They even became official girlfriend and boyfriend after Sehun had nervously stuttered out the question when they had been out on one of their dates. She had accepted, of course, and Sehun was incredibly happy.  
  
That didn't really last long though, for after a few more weeks her demands and critiques started pouring in. She didn't like his hair that way. That skin product was doing nothing for him. She wanted to go see this specific movie, no other. He had to take her to that new amusement park that had opened up, regardless of money. Could he please be a little more outgoing? The shy thing really wasn't working for her. No, he wasn't allowed to hang out with his friends that day, he had to go spend the entire day with her. Maybe he should lose a few pounds? The puppy fat was really starting to show. Maybe he should revamp his wardrobe, as what he was currently wearing wasn't cutting it.  
  
She was trying to change him. Change him into the perfect boyfriend image she had in mind. And to start off with, Sehun went along with it. He'd do anything to actually be enough for someone for once. But then she started to pick on his status as a trainee.  
  
He was spending too much time at the company building and not enough time with her. Maybe he should quit being a trainee?  
  
That was when, for the first time in his life, he actually put his foot down and said no. No he wasn't going to stop being a trainee. He wasn't going to change everything about himself just to please her. This was what he wanted. He was not going to let her stop him.  
  
And so she left him. Saying that...  
  
He wasn't enough.  
  
Him refusing to change for once... wasn't enough. His personality, his looks, everything about him... wasn't enough for her.  
  
Maybe standing up for himself, wasn't the way forward for him.  
  
So there he was, Oh Sehun. A boy with a small handful of friends, recently split from his girlfriend, a trainee who was beginning to feel the pressure of the constant practices... who still was just not enough for everyone.  
  
Even his family.  
  
They had never been overly bothered about what he chose to do. It was his decision and as long as it didn't reflect negatively on the rest of them then they didn't really care. Only choosing to become an idol was not included in this. They didn't see the point in him striving to be an idol when he was likely to never make it.  
  
He just wasn't good enough.  
  
They would have preferred it if he had become a doctor, or a lawyer. Something that was reliable, and well paying, and would make everyone proud. Not an idol. That was an unreliable career choice.  
  
So many times they sat him down and tried to force him into another direction. Sehun took it all with his usual stoic stone-faced nature. Accepting the leaflets, listening to the lectures, even agreeing to take a few business classes. But he refused to stop training. He was allowed to do one thing for himself right?  
  
It was the only thing he had left of himself, that he could recognise. He had changed himself so much to fit other people's ideals, and was still doing it. If he stopped training, then he would lose that last slither of himself. He couldn't do that.  
  
If he did do that, then who was he? His name was Oh Sehun, yes. But he was barely recognisable from the boy he had once been. Who was he? Why was he here? What purpose did he have in life? Would he forever be this ever-changing person? He barely knew who he was, if he continued on like this then he really would lose himself completely.  
  
Once he had tried to confide in one of his friends. He tried to seek out their comfort. They had been friends for years, of course the other would be there for him, right?  
  
Wrong.  
  
His friend had started off being concerned... but after Sehun's initial admissions of confusion and doubt, the conversation had done a complete turn around, until it ended up with Sehun being the one to comfort his friend. When Sehun was almost falling apart himself, he was the one doing the comforting and supporting.  
  
It was then that he gave up. He gave up trying to hold on to himself. He would continue training of course, but he gave himself up completely to the whims of others. Whatever version of Sehun they wanted, he would give them.  
  
For the real Sehun... just wasn't enough.  
  
But sometimes even trying to be the Sehun that everyone wanted him to be just wasn't enough. They wanted him to be the perfect trainee. But Sehun found the intense practices more than a little draining. He lost count of the amount of times he almost passed out from exhaustion.  
  
And not to mention the times that he found himself to be a subject of bullying. Some of the older trainees, for no other reason than that they were older than him, had taken to bullying Sehun. Pointing out his flaws every chance they got. Pushing him around. The typical immature bullying found everywhere. And Sehun just let them. If they needed him to be the weakling they targeted, then that's who he would be.  
  
Except the bullying got worse when he moved up in his dance classes fairly quickly. The older trainees did not like that at all. Not when he was suddenly in the advanced dance class alongside them. That's when the bullying started occurring during practice. They would push him over, make him trip up, and then say it was his own stupid fault.  
  
He clearly wasn't good enough.  
  
He shouldn't have been put in that class.  
  
And the sunbae who was teaching them... often believed them. So Sehun found himself sent out of the class.  
  
What more could he do? He was doing everything to please them and they were still trying to ruin his chances. It wasn't fair. He was always trying to please everyone else, and they were trying to take the one thing he wanted away from him.  
  
Why was he even still trying?  
  
He wasn't good enough.  
  
He clearly wasn't enough.  
  
It was a complete and total surprise when he was put into the new prototype group. He suddenly found himself out of reach of the bullies. He wasn't in those classes any more, but instead spent all of his time with the other boys that he would likely debut with. The bullies couldn't touch him any more.  
  
But the pressure was on. He had to try and prove himself even more now. Prove to everyone that he was ready to debut. That he was good enough. That Oh Sehun was enough to belong to this world.  
  
It was hard though. Very hard. Between his classes at school and the constant practices and rehearsals with his group mates, he barely had any time to think. He barely saw his old friends any more. He barely saw his parents. It even got to the point where he had to move in to dorms with some of the others in his group, as the constant travelling was taking too much time out of his precious schedule.  
  
That was when he met his two best friends.  
  
First was Luhan. He was one of the Chinese boys but he spoke Korean fluently. Which was helpful since he was Sehun's room-mate in the dorm. He was older than Sehun by a few years but he never treated the younger like he was a baby or anything. He took Sehun under his wing, looked after him, became the big brother figure that Sehun sorely needed.  
  
For once he wasn't constantly thinking he wasn't good enough. For once he felt like he was doing something right. For once he was starting to feel like himself again. All under Luhan's care and guidance.  
  
And then there was Jongin. Jongin was the same age as Sehun, only a few months older, and because of this, the two boys gravitated to each other immediately. Jongin was confident and outgoing, and a complete dork when he wanted to be. He was almost the complete opposite of Sehun. But they got along immediately, even if there was the typical young lad rivalry at times.  
  
Jongin soon became his best friend. Luhan became his older brother.  
  
And Sehun was happy.  
  
Sehun was almost himself again.  
  
That was when things started to fall apart for him once more. Luhan was going to be in the other half of the group to Sehun. It would be a twelve member group which was going to be split into two. One half targeting Korea, the other China. Luhan, naturally, would be in the Chinese half, while he was in the Korean.  
  
He was losing his brother. His hyung that he loved and looked up to so much. His hyung that he idolized above all others... he was going to be separated from him. Yes, they were still in the same group, but they would go for weeks at a time without even being in the same country.  
  
Sehun hadn't been good enough to keep him and Luhan in the same group.  
  
He wasn't enough.  
  
At least he still had Jongin though. Jongin was in the Korean faction along with him, so he wasn't losing everything. And Sehun now had four others to call his brothers, though he didn't hang with them half as much as he did Jongin. With the loss of Luhan, Sehun was practically glued to Jongin's side.  
  
As long as Sehun had Jongin he could still hold onto himself. He was still Sehun as long as Jongin was there.  
  
But things never went the way that Sehun wanted them to.  
  
Jongin started to spend more and more time with others. More and more time away from him. Leaving him behind. Leaving him alone.  
  
Sehun didn't blame Jongin for having other friends. Of course the other boy had friends before Sehun. And he was more than entitled to hang out with them and spend time with them.  
  
But the time he was spending with Sehun gradually diminished and diminished until they were only together during practice and schedules. Any free time they had and Jongin was out the door without even a backward glance.  
  
He didn't even confide in Sehun any more...  
  
And Sehun couldn't confide in him.  
  
He couldn't even hold onto his best friend.  
  
He wasn't enough to keep people by his side.  
  
Everyone had left him. Left him behind. He had tried so hard to change for them all. To be the ever-changing Chameleon that they all wanted.  
  
But it wasn't enough.  
  
He was never enough.  
  
Never enough.


End file.
